Olympic v Knights

Playoff report by Chris Kunz
Sydney Olympic v Melbourne Knights

How can I preface this...? This is a story based on real events but the conference here never actually happened. - TE

K.T.: "Gentlemen, welcome to Soccer Asinine's major press conference. My name is K.T. Same-as-fanz and the management of the NSL is my primary concern. "

Press: "You must be concerned then, about the publicity..."

K.T.:"On the contrary, we are rightly proud of the amount of press coverage the game has acheived over the last few weeks, and are gratified that our decision to procrastinate and placate, to ignore or to excuse (whichever will have the least effect), has proved historically successful."

Press: "But surely, we all saw them, there in red and white..."

K.T.: "...red and white? You may be colour conscious but football is the sport of all peoples of all colours - from everywhere. We do not discriminate!"

Press: "Well how about Wollongong? They won the right to host the Grand Final, but you are taking that away from them."

K.T.: "Taking it away? My understanding is that the Wolves agreed that they didn't have the 5 star Corporate facilities we are used to, so a switch to Sydney is essential!"

Press: "But aren't you just adding insult to injury - given the WCC decision?"

K.T.: "No, we are being consistent. If FIFA can dud them, so can we!"

Press: "Back to the subject of crowd violence, Mr Same-as-fanz, what measures will your organisation be taking to ensure that there is no repetition of the trouble?"

K.T.: "Let me be perfectly frank with you all now - the knocking down of a Soccer Asinine official at the Knights Stadium was totally without precedent - it was like a Pawn, knocking a Queen off the chessboard."

Press: "So does this mean it is cheque-mate for the Knights?"

K.T.: "We are the Kings in this Castle - and it is us who decides when this game ends."

Press: "They have hung in by Rook and by crook - isn't it time you acted?"

K.T.: "Tradition is a hard-earned thing. People say there is no tradition in this country - but Soccer Asinine will deliver it!"

Press: "Rugby League took mere days to meet, then act on Bulldog fan behaviour - yet Soccer Asinine has yet to meet to discuss its crowd trouble."

K.T.: "I've said it before, but I'll say it again - we are meeting THIS week to discuss these matters! I told you all that last week, and the week before! I can't be more consistent, now can I?"

Press: "In a matter of two weeks you have presided over an attack by fans on another team's players, that has gone unpunished, save for those players elimination from the competition at the hand's of their attacker's team; you have remained inactive while thugs have allowed the game, once again, to be brought into disrepute, this time at Parramatta Stadium; you have removed the right of a team to host the Grand Final - despite them winning that right and wanting to hold it, and you have watched while FIFA has pulled the incentive rung out from under your national competition. Is such 'management' befitting of a sport that has national pretence?"

K.T.: "I like your style, even though your words are a trifle blunt. See me afterwards, I might have an upcoming vacancy I can shift you into."

Phone rings....dumb, dumbdy dumb, dumbdy dumbdy, dumbdy dumb.

K.T.: "Excuse me a moment, that is my mobile.......... Hello, K.T, speaking....... at where?..... The Split Roast... where is that...... oh, near Sommers St.... ok....... what is on menu, heads? Ha, ha, ha... well, yes, my wife would love to come.... the what..... oh the Dalmatian holiday idea, well, we can discuss it over dinner - I am actually in the middle of a press conference where I am being asked questions about that nasty group who tried to discredit you...... yes, but I've put them off the trail, yes, see you later in the week, and, sorry for what I might say publicly, but you know I won't mean it!................... Ah, you meet the most friendly people in this game!"

Press.: "Then there is the question of the home venue for the World Cup Qualifier on June 24 - that hasn't even been finalised. Other codes are starting to book out the options while you fiddle!"

K.T.: "We have always faced hostility from other codes, and always will. I sit here before you today as the representative of an organisation that has great pride in being the leader in junior registrations on a national basis. We have stars of great magnitude, gaining headlines across the world. We are the future!"

Press.: "So, how many teams will there be in the NSL next season?"

K.T.: "How many stars are there in the cosmos?"

Press.: "Not many now, they've been snaffled by other clubs as you procrastinate!"

K.T.: "....Now, if you will excuse me, I have a film premiere to attend, something called 'Blanc n' Rouge' - got no idea what it is about, but the Police reckon it is a 'must see'!..." ....